Category: stupid

It’s taken nearly 5 years for my mate to become a black taxi driver. But after copious amounts of surgery, he finally looks like a fully fledged Rastafarian.

I was going through the Channel Tunnel the other day. “I guess this means I’ve failed” I said to the driving examiner.

What did the apple say to his girlfriend apple when he saw her insides?….. “Coooooore”

My mate said that he’d been burning the candle at both ends. I tried but there’s only a wick at one end.

The wife just said, “Your obsession with cats is totally out of control, so I’ve packed your bags.” I think she’s kicking meeeowt.

I must be a great singer, I was singing in my livingroom when my neighbour chuckd a brick through my window. He must have wanted to hear me better.

I sat on my phone and accidentally dialled my girlfriends number last night. I must have been really wasted because we’ve got a rotary telephone at home.

My wife just told me she’s leaving me because I still haven’t grasped the concept of innuendos. ‘I have an erection’ I replied smugly.

Satan often struggled when he played snooker. There’s no rest for the wicked.

My girlfriend said she’ll leave me if I don’t stop making song lyric references… At first I was afraid I was petrified…

A brunette, a redhead and a blonde do a survey. One of the questions is “How do you tell when you’ve had a really good night out?” The brunette says “If I feel exhausted when I get home, then I know I’ve had a good night out.” The redhead says “If I feel hung over […]

My wife said she’s got no alternative but to leave me because of my obsession with spheres. I said, “Surely there’s some way around this?”

Joined Father’s for Justice when my wife won full custody of our son, Luke, at court. My costume of choice for our protests is a full Darth Vader outfit. Should make for an interesting reunion when he turns 18.

A policeman pulled me over last night and asked, “Have you been drinking tonight, sir?” “Yes” I slurred, “But I’m not over the limit.” “We will let the breathalyser decide that” he replied. “Take a deep breath and blow into this until I say stop.” Within a second the policeman shouted, “Stop!” “Blimey, that was […]

It’s hard to come across a slim girl. There’s not much to come over.