Category: stupid

For my birthday I rented one of those tacky long limousines. I told my friends I’d pick them up from Dave’s between 3pm and 3.30pm. I did warn them it was a long one.

I’m just getting my suit ready for tonight I received a letter through the post this morning saying I had been chosen to light the first firework at the animal shelter bonfire this evening.

Consternation in the German team at Euro 2012 when Bender met his archenemy Flexo.

I went for an audition for a part in a TV show yesterday. Reading between the lines, probably cost me the role.

There was a power outage at the department store I was in yesterday. I was stuck on a escalator for hours.

I’ve just bought my wife a window for her birthday. It’s just like the one that she pointed to in the high street last week.

My son’s going to feel really silly when he realises he’s got a parachute on his back today. But not as silly as my wife’s going to feel when she to releases 30 school books in mid air when she does her charity jump later.

I asked my mate, “What’s your favourite Will Ferrell movie?” He said, “Old School.” I said, “Word to ya mother! What be your baddest movie starring my main man Will Ferrell?”

My wife disappeared in the Borough of Ealing. I’ve reported her as Missing in Acton.

I was chilling out in the pool area wearing just my Speedos, when the manager came over and said, “You can’t come in here dressed like that. Please put the cue down on the table and leave the pub.”

I had to turn the telly down earlier. It shouldn’t have come on to me in the first place.

The economic pressures in modern Britain have had a few positive outcomes. Help for Heroes, for example. My housekeeper now accepts payment in miniature Cadbury’s chocolate bars.

I saw a naked woman today holding a cardboard tube from the inside of some wrapping paper. I should have used a telescope really, but they cost too much.

Who would have thought it? All the Jockeys at The Grand National are called John Smith.

I Just bought a new Hammer because I can never put those DIY kits together. This time Im going to nail it.