Category: stupid

I went to the library and said to the man, “Have you got a book on directions?” “No mate,” he replied. “This is the butcher’s.”

I was absolutely shocked yesterday when I touched the electric fence.

I could’nt believe the state of my Birth certificate. It must be as old as me!

A man walks into a doctor’s office and the doctor sits him down. “OK what’s your problem sir?” “I’m half deaf” he replied “That’s ridiculous! You can’t be half deaf!There is no such thing!” “Yes there is!” “OK OK! Go down the hall and I’ll shout a number and you shout it back.” “OK!” He […]

I went out with a stage hand from the local theatre once. I called it off because every time we went out she made a scene.

I love eating my Grandma’s dinner when I go to see her on Sundays. The best bit is when she scratches her head and says, “Where has the food gone from my plate?”

I was in the pub last night when my friend asked, “How’s business? Still slow?” I replied, “It’s so slow mate I don’t watch the clock, I watch the calender.”

My wife always says that she’s going window shopping, but she never actually comes back with a window.

I find playing games against the computer extremely boring. My X-box just sits and looks at the chess board.

I caught my wife looking confused in the kitchen holding a jar of pickle. I asked her what was up and she replied “It says to store it in a cool, dark location” I said “How about the fridge?” She said “No, silly, there is a little light inside….”

Last night my wife said,”Do you know what the biggest difference between you and me is?” So I said,”Clearly the spelling.”

What’s grey and can’t climb trees? A car park.

I was just viewing some pictures of women on a dating website. There’s one really fit bird that stood out: Donna81 I can’t believe she’s 81, she doesn’t look a day over 29.

After hearing that some of my mates had done it I decided to donate some of my sperm. Children in Need were not amused.

I went on a date last night with a bird I met on a dating site who’s description was, “Don’t worry, I won’t bite”. The stupid old hag didn’t have any teeth.