Category: stupid

My loft has just been converted, It’s now Muslim and won’t let me in unless I take my shoes off

My mate was saying how his car is ‘quite nippy’. But I actually thought it was rather warm.

The police really need to sort themselves out. I’ve just seen a guy on Sky News throwing bricks at the same police van for the last 6 hours.

My friend is a footballer who recently got an 8 match ban for tying an opponent to the crossbar with his boot laces. He didn’t like being suspended.

My wife is leaving me because she hates the way i take things literally. I thought getting her another packet of straws would help after she’d used the last one.

I Just switched my mobile to predictive text and I got one telling me I’m going to die in May 2016.

My girlfriend prepared a fried breakfast for me this morning. I could tell she’d never made cornflakes before.

I’ve had seven years of bad ideas up to now. Must have been that light bulb I broke.

I don’t know about anyone else but I’m really enjoying Fifa 11, I’d recommend Royal Mail to anyone! Can’t wait for Fifa 12 now!

The wife said she wanted something with ‘plenty of character’ for her birthday I gave her a Mr men DVD.

While my wife researched her family tree, I went through the parish records. I found out that the vicar’s a big Wham! fan.

That’s the last time I go to a table top sale. There were hundreds there, but not one for sale.

I saw a sign in a building that said ‘in case of a fire, please exit the building calmly.’ It wasn’t until I got outside I was informed that didn’t apply to us firemen.

I found a wallet on the bus today. It had in it a wad of cash and 2 major credit cards, I couldn’t believe my luck. It was made out of real leather!

Describe yourself in three words: Concise.