Category: stupid

Tesco. Consider putting the Samaritans phone number on your Christmas meals for one.

I was having a pint in the pub last night when I noticed a bloke standing on his own by the pool table. I walked over to him and said, “You look bored, do you fancy a playing a game?” “Yeah, go on then” he replied. I tapped him on the shoulder and ran off […]

I took my mate to the park the other day, he got drunk and started swinging for me. It was hilarious, I watched him on the slide and climbing frame as well.

On a scale of 1-10, how good are you at answering questions? Yes

My mate told me that I’m too vague But, you know what they say.

My cat was stuck up the top of a tree today, so I tried getting him down with a few slices of ham. Unfortunately he still just sat there, the ham clearly wasn’t heavy enough.

I knew I’d had too much to drink when I tried to light my cigarette with the wrong end. Thank God my mate was there to pull up my pants and trousers and put it in my mouth.

I used to love playing spin the bottle when I was younger. And catch the bottle. And talk to the bottle. I was a very lonely child.

What do you get when you cross a cow with a potato? A leather jacket.

Every night I have to endure hearing my neighbours arguing through the wall. I have no idea why one of them has to come round my house to do it.

The wife just said “there’s a Christmas sale on boats, shall we get one?” “We could do” I said, “but it’s going to look a bit daft at any other time of year.”

I was chilling out at home with my mate this morning when suddenly my dog walked in from the garden with a bird in his mouth. He dropped the bird on the carpet and it was wriggling around in pain. My mate looked at me with a confused face and said, “Isn’t it usually cats […]

“All you need is love” good song, bad advice from a tennis coach.

Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for life. Give an octopus nunchucks, and no-one’s eating fish ever again.

I felt awful when my wife was attacked the evening after I stole pepper-spray from her purse. Then to top things off, she nearly choked to death on the spaghetti bolognese I made her.