Category: stupid

My mate just told me that Rodney is dead. RIP Nicholas Lyndhurst.

A man walks into a police station and drops a dead cat in front of the duty sergeant. “Someone threw this into my front garden.” “I’ll take your name sir, and if no one claims it within three months, you can keep it.”

I used to be in a band called ‘Missing Cat’. You probably saw our posters.

Last night my wife called me an idiot for no apparent reason. Like water off a duck’s claw.

I hate it when I’m unintentionally offensive. It makes all the times I go out of my way to offend people much less meaningful.

Tell you what, some of the girls I go out with are so stupid they literally can’t even spell their own name! Fair play though, most of them don’t start school till next year

407 dedicated, brave, heroic British service men and women have been killed in Afghanistan since the invasion in 2001. On a separate note, the Americans have reported 406 bullets inexplicably missing from their armory.

The girls in my area have all of a sudden become really posh over the last few weeks. Everytime they see me they wave at me using just their little finger.

I phoned my local restaurant today to see if they have any job vacancies. The lady said, “Can you wait for 5 minutes?” I said, “Hmmmm, I was looking for something full time.”

It’s especially dangerous to run with scissors when someone nearby is running with rock

In an attempt to better myself in the run up to my exams, I’ve decided it’s time to work harder. I’m going to put 100% into everythi.

Beware of unnecessary warnings.

Went round Alanis Morrisette’s house for dinner last night Took 10,000 knives with me, just in case…

My kids begged me to let them have some sparklers to take to the park this evening but I had to tell them that they’re too young to play with fireworks. They’ll just have to make do with twirling their cigarettes around really quickly like all the other children.

My granddad was a terrible Elvis impersonator.. There wasn’t much call for it in 1927.