Category: stupid

I’ve just emailed “This is a robbery!” to my online bank support. What’s the procedure? Do they just put the money in my account or do I have to wait for an email back?

I did a fart on the train today. That’ll teach my son for not letting me play with his railway set.

I knocked on my neighbour’s door and said, “Your dog just came into my garden and caught my cat. I was going to separate them but it was too late, he’s dead and his head is practically hanging off.” “I’m so sorry,” he replied. “Sorry?” I said, wiping the blood off my axe. “It’s your […]

Do you ever do that thing when you’re searching for something for ages, and it turns out you were holding it all along? My granddad was always doing it, and that’s why he should never have been allowed to hold grenades during the war.

Why do so many thoughtless parents fail to give their children names? Not only does it make life incredibly difficult for them, but it also means they are far more likely to die in accidents. I mean, how often do you hear on the news things like “A man, who has yet to be named, […]

If I had a pound for every time someone’s called me dull…. then I would have a substantial capital income.

I was out shopping when a young lad stopped me and said, “Excuse me, mate, if I give you some money, will you go into the shop and buy some beer?” I said, “Wow, thanks very much. That’s very generous of you.”

I have just hired a toastmaster for my wedding next year. Well, I don’t want everybody’s main courses to be burnt.

The wife just asked, “What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?” I said, “Its accent.”

She put her left leg in. Her left leg out. In. Out. In. Out. And then I pushed her in. I probably shouldn’t run swimming lessons.

I was called by a telemarketer the other day. He asked me, “Is this an inconvenient time for you?” and when I replied it wasn’t, he said, “Oh, I’ll call back later then.”

I bet I know what’s on the front of The Sun newspaper tomorrow, it’s obvious. Tuesday, May 3, 2011. 25p.

A policeman asks a serial killer: “Any last words before you’re executed for commiting such heinous crimes?” Just before the lever on his electric chair is pulled the killer says: “Tell my family I’ve always loved them.” So the day of the the funeral the policeman goes up to the serial killer’s wife and son […]

My daughter was struggling with her homework and asked for help. “Dad, I need to give two examples of conductors.” I shook my head in disbelief, “Easy,” I replied, “Bus and train.”

People keep telling me that the world is turning into a ‘Global Village’. That doesn’t sound right to me as it only leaves room for us to have one idiot.