Category: stupid

I got chucked out of the opera last night. They don’t like you joining in.

Over the years I’ve lost count of the amount of women that have tried it on with me, but I always knock them back. I love being a bouncer.

As I sat watching the start of the football with my blonde girlfriend, she chirped-up, “Did you see that? I’m sure one of the Greek players wasn’t singing the national anthem. That’s disgusting.” “Well Greek must be a difficult language to learn,” I said tongue-in-cheek, “they don’t have the same words or letters we do.” […]

My mate called me today and said, “I’ve just had a huge fight with the wife. Have you got a spare bed for a few weeks until I find a flat?” “I’m afraid not,” I replied, “but I’ve got a sofa, if that’s any good.” “Perfect,” he said. “You’re an absolute legend! I’ll send her […]

Bought some of them slug traps the other day, you fill em with beer and apparently its supposed to drown them. They dont work ! Got woke up at half two this morning by a load of singing,only to find they had rearranged the plantpots.

I was looking through the dictionary today when I came to the word ‘deja vu’ I thought, “I’m sure I’ve seen that somewhere before.”

If McDonald’s do make it illegal to sell their food to anyone under the age of 18, rap will sound a lot different. Gangsters bragging about how they’ve been selling BigMac’s for years and that they still haven’t been caught.

I’ve finally decided to stop obsessing over my lunatic ex. I’m over the moon!

My wife has left me because ‘apparently’ I ‘quote too much.’

My wife said to me, “Put May the 14th in your diary”, Stupid cow, I went to and it was there already.

My career as a moonwalk dancer isn’t going well. Bad case of one step forward, two steps back.

I like cooking babies and lots of other stuff but I hate punctuation

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, chief inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye, if he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

I recently tried to write a short story on Twitter about a cruise liner with a hundred and forty-one people aboard. I couldn’t post it though, too many characters.

Just got back from the drive-in cinema. It was a regular cinema, but my brakes don’t work.