Category: stupid

I think I should get a new alarm clock. My current one keeps going off really early in the morning.

What do you call a paedophile on a bike? Cycle Jackson.

My friend suggested I should prepare for the brutal lighting storms we’ve been forecast. So I’ve changed my name to “Twice.”

I called my wife and said, “Help me, I’m in Tesco’s and I can’t move.” “Why not?” she asked. I said, “I’m in the frozen section.”

The ball was in position so I took a long run up and gave it the hardest kick I could… Broke my toe and got banned from Bowlplex.

After a few too many pints, this was the evening’s last chance to show everyone my singing voice. Grabbing the microphone I really went for it with my favourite Sinatra song, ‘my way’. The audience were spellbound, they’d never seen anything like it, not even my two earlier songs in the night. At the point […]

I got a text from an unknown number saying “I am the one and only! xx” I rushed home to my girlfriend, who was standing at the door with an expectant smile and her new phone in hand. “Guess what babe?” I said. “What is it hun?” She said knowingly. “Chesney Hawkes has my number!”

Today, I found a WikiHow article on how to be a secret agent. One of the tips was to alter your daily routine so anyone following you would be thrown off. I think tomorrow I’ll eat breakfast before getting dressed, just in case.

“I’ll have whatever he’s having.” “You can’t, sir.” “Why not?” “Because he’s having it.”

BBC News : “Peer Convicted Of Expenses Fraud” The report doesn’t say what he peed on, though.

Note to self. Get some friends so you don’t have to send notes to yourself.

Pain is nature’s way of telling you you’re in pain.

What do you call a clueless person? Don’t know.

I saw a sign the other day that said “Do not use the elevator in case of fire” talk about paranoid

My friend and I went on the rampage in Poundworld today. We caused damage estimated at around 95.