Category: stupid

They demolished my local Dominos Pizza today and all the other shops on the high street fell down

My girlfriend told me she was seeing someone else behind my back. I don’t know how, I was sitting against the wall.

For lent I’m giving up abstaining and lending in the past tense.

My wife said, “I’ve started reading a novel from the 167th page, and I’m convinced someone’s going to be brutally murdered.” I replied, “You’re reading too much into it.”

When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young.

It was my first day as a traffic officer, so I was delighted to pull someone up for speeding. I casually strolled over to the vehicle before delivering the immortal line, “Where’s the fire mate?”. The Firemen just swore at me and told me I was putting lives at risk.

I followed a recipe book last night, because I decided to cook something exotic for supper, It was a total disaster, I lost track of it three streets away.

I never had a father when I was young so I used to pretend the rubber from my pencil case was my dad. Erased me well.

Adverts these days are so unrealistic eh? Just the other day I saw a Lurpack advert, where a man was in a kitchen, making himself an omelette!

I’ve just received my daughters mid-term school report and apparently her English spelling and grammar is appalling. If it is not her mother, then I don’t have a clue wear she gets it from.

I’m just biting my nails… ..I’m gonna chew a few screws later…

I answered the door this morning. Felt a complete idiot when I realised it never said anything.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your chin into a bowl of iron filings.

I can’t believe crocodiles were used to make handbags and shoes in the past. Isn’t that a kind of animal slave labour?

Any hole’s a goal. You still don’t want to score an own goal though.