Category: stupid

Some people call me an immature bighead, It’s not my fault my high horse is bigger than theirs.

I’ve always been able to tell my left and my right by using the simple system of not being an idiot.

I had a tin of Three Bean soup for lunch today. Must have got lucky though… There were loads more than three beans in it.

Do you want to hear a joke about a bird? No? Oh. Well this is hawkward…

Just saw a poster with my face on a wall. Apparently I’m wanted for questioning. Since when has that been a crime?

I watched my mate drink a litre of petrol today. I said, “I bet that makes you feel weird?” He replied, “Don’t get me started.”

I went to the pub today, and got myself a carvery. The barmaid said, “Just help yourself with the food, then take it to your table.” By the time I got it home, It was stone cold.

I don’t know why I just bought some new coconut shampoo… I haven’t even got any coconuts.

I went shoplifting with my brother-in-law the other day. I took some gift tags and he took the wrap

I get complaints from my neighbours because I always walk about my garden wearing only my boxers. I don’t see what the problem is, I think they make a lovely hat.

Chivalry truly is dead. I held the door open for a girl once. She told me that she’s not walking into the men’s room.

Some people have started calling me a village idiot, but I don’t know why. I don’t even live in a village.

As I was looking for the toilets in a pub today, I saw a sign that said, ‘Fire Door Keep It Shut!’ “Don’t worry,” I thought, “I won’t say a word.”

Luckily Big Ben wasn’t named after his brother Richard

I tried out a bit of selective breeding once, crossed this flaming bright ginger guy with an ugly old cow. Now my beef roasts itself.