Category: stupid

The ICC have issued an arrest warrant for Col. Gaddafi. This is in response to a rebel, who when asked by a reporter for his response to Gaddafi’s latest attacks, replied, “It just isn’t cricket”.

My maths exam had the most bizarre thing in it, it said: “The following number is even… 5.” I thought, “That’s odd.”

I asked a girl back to mine last night for a bit of “How’s your father”, if you know what I mean. Turns out he’s very well, and his allotment is thriving in this weather.

“Please don’t take this the wrong way” said the wife as she removed the enema from my mouth.

A huge shark knocked on the door of my castle. “You’re going to need a bigger moat.” He said.

If I could be invisible for a day, I would just sit in my house. So I could see what it’s like when I’m not there.

My wife said I’m an idiot who can’t do the simplest of things right. So I packed her bags and left.

Is nothing safe from criticism?! Even burnt wood is under fire.

Top tip of the year so far. Apparently it’s still mount Everest.

Having watched a lot of films set in Victorian London I couldn’t help thinking that it would have been a much cheerier place if opium dens had been replaced by helium dens.

My wife said “Why can’t you ever accept responsibility?” I replied ” It’s not my fault I’m like that”.

I’ve been feeding my chickens sausages and breadcrumbs for the last few days. I can’t wait until they start laying scotch eggs.

I auditioned for the X- Factor this year and sang with my daughter. Gary Barlow looked at me and said, “Are you having a laugh?” I said, “No mate, why?” He said, “Just put the baby down and use the microphone provided.”

I done a stand up gig in Bradford last night. I said, “Before I tell some seriously racist jokes, are there any white people here tonight?”

Old people: Make your neighbours think you have died during the big freeze by not answering your door and leaving your decorations up until March.