Category: stupid

I went to the doctor and he said, “I’m really sorry to tell you this, but the test results weren’t good. You only have 6 months to live.” I replied, “I don’t believe it, I want a second opinion.” “Ok, you’re not dying.”

I went to a Westlife concert last night, I couldn’t believe the queue! We all made it out ok though.

BBC News: United Nations force no fly zone over Libya. Cameron: “We will send fighter jets to Libya” I think you’re missing the point David.

My friends often call me gullible. So imagine my relief when my feng shui master told me he could cure me for only one thousand pounds.

Does anybody still use C.B. radios?. . . Over.

I’m getting sick to death of my shoulder keep popping out. It has a better social life than me.

I woke up this morning to find my garage had been robbed. Immediately I phoned the police. “There’s been a spate of burglaries in the area recently,” said the officer, “mainly bikes, lawnmowers. It’s probably kids. Could you describe what’s missing?” “Yes, it’s a 35ft by 28ft brick-built garage with an electric door.”

Some bloke came around to look at my broken washing machine today. He shook his head and said, “It’s completely knackered.” I said, “Just tell me how much.” “About 250.” he replied. “That seems reasonable enough,” I said, “It’s allyours.”

I’m the kind of guy that gets out of a hot bath on a cold night when my body is steaming and pretend I’m a super hero.

I got a chicken today and have a nice recipe for it using plum tomatoes. Unfortunately it couldn’t get its claws round the tin opener.

How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb? None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.

I like to sleep with the bedside lamp on, even though my wife reckons it’s weird. I don’t see how, I think it makes a great hat!

I feel so smug tonight. I didn’t put my clock forward in March.

My wife was disgusted when she found some cheese under my foreskin. “That’s the last time I ask you to unpack the food shopping!” she said.

I’ve been in a car accident in which half of my lower jaw was ripped clean off. It’s not so bad though, I can talk to snakes now! Oh, the joys of being a Partialmouth.