Category: stupid

The police banned journalists from the Joanna Yeates press conference? So, who exactly were they talking to?

What did the ocean say to the other ocean? Nothing. They just waved.

My doctor advised me to drink less. But I can’t find a pub that sells it.

I went to a casino last night. I walked up to a table and said, “22, Black.” The bloke said, “I’m blackjack.” I said, “Nice to meet you Jack, was I close with the age?”

The doctor recently diagnosed me with ’70s Fever’. It flares up occasionally.

What do cannibals play at parties ? Swallow the leader

We all thought Grandad should have got a hero’s welcome for singlehandedly pitch forking that German parachutist. But instead it ruined our Ibiza beach holiday when they arrested and deported him.

I got an email today that said, “Have you had an accident at work?”. News travels fast when you’ve had a dodgy curry.

Opened my eyes only to see Scooch, Javine, Bucks Fizz and Andy Abraham in front of me. Turned out I’d activated my Eurovision.

What do you call a Spaniard with ice cream on his head? Juan Cornetto.

I was buying a house number plate earlier when I saw a sign that said, “Buy one get one free.” Which was useful, considering I live at number 11.

Ive got a huge octagonal gold plate I carry with me, I hold it in front of me if hippies try to sign me to an NSPCC direct debit. I call it the Charity Shield.

BBC News: Gunman Shoots Seven. Friends say he didn’t want 10 living in fear after 7 ate 9.

My girlfriend came round my house for the first time last night. She looked at my coal fire and said “Why dont you have a guard in front of that” I said “Coz I’ll trip over his rifle”

“What do we want?” “Epilepsy awareness!” “When do we want it?” “Whenever we see fit!”