Category: stupid

I was picking up the new girlfriend on my motorbike for the first time. “Ooh what shall I wear?” she texted. “Well if you’ve got any leathers I’d wear them,” I replied back. I shan’t be seeing her again now … But the lads at the vintage motorcycle club said her gimp mask was hilarious.

When I came home from work last night my wife asked me to start on the tea. So I squared up to the chops and pushed the potatoes over.

I was driving along a dark road, then I looked in my rear view mirror and saw the figure of a man. I immediately stopped the car and got out as quick as I could. Then a few moments later I returned to the car, feeling like such an idiot.. I completely forgot that I […]

Life is like a box of chocolates. In the middle of it, you realize you’re fat and no one loves you.

I often use words and phrases I don’t understand and vice versa.

My girlfriend has been missing for two weeks now and yesterday I got the phone call from the police that I’d been dreading, asking me to come down to the morgue with them to identify her body. I was shaking with fear when the mortician pulled back the sheet, but after looking for a minute […]

The wife has got that good at bonsai, we’re having to move to a house with a smaller garden.

I went in to the bank today with my missus and the cashier said to me, “Would you like to open a joint account?” I replied, “That depends. How much are you going to put in?”

An English man, an Irish man and Scots man walk into a pub. The Sun’s stories have become really dull now they can’t hack voicemails.

my girlfriend is leaving me because of my conspiracy theories… or is that what the government wants me to think???

My boss gave me the sack for using the company car to do my weekly shop… Im gutted. I loved working at the funeral directors.

I went to the hairdressers this morning. I said, “Can you shave my head around the back?” He said, “Of course.” I said, “Cheers mate, I’ll be waiting in the carpark.”

My blind mate says I have no idea of what it is to live with his condition and have been totally inconsiderate of it. I can’t believe he’d say that after the effort I put in learning sign language for him!

I have an invention that allows me to walk through Walls. It’s called a door.

I went to a job interview the other day at the Airport, when the interviewer asked me about my interests. I was glad I managed to give a good first impression. “It says here in your interests that you like to walk the dog and that you also like to travel around the world!” he […]