Category: stupid

My next door neighbours just asked me if I can look after their 2 cats while they go on holiday to Spain next week. “Yes, that’s fine,” I replied, “I presume you’ll be paying for my flights & accommodation?”

I was given tablets to help me stop being immature. The packet said “69 tablets for oral use only.” I’m still immature.

I caught my daughter spraying graffiti over the side of the house yesterday. She’d written, “Juxtaposition”. I asked her, “What is the meaning of this?”

Forret Gump runs into Jack Sparrow in the shop. Forrest Gump says, ‘What is that you’re holding?’ Sparrow replies, ‘Rum, Forrest, rum!’

I’m not saying I am a failure but I didn’t even get a birth certificate.

I was watching tv and a advert came on “have you had and accident in the past 9 months that wasn’t your fault?… call national accident helpline….” I sat and thought about it for a minute and decided to give them a call apparently the condom splitting is’nt enough to claim compensation……..

How to tell Scottish women from Scottish men since they both wear kilts. The one listening is the man.

I tried to read The Sun yesterday but it kept making my eyes water.

My dad left university with a degree in physics Still not sure who’s it is though

Just put my iPhone in airplane mode It flew away

At yesterday’s house party, everyone must’ve been too full of turkey, as this huge buffet was going to waste. Finally the owners announced that anything not eaten, could we help them by taking some of it home .. It was so kind of them .. The wife and I love our new sofa and TV.

Jim Marshall, founder of Marshall amplification, has died and gone to eleven.

My daughter wants a pet, but I’ve told her no… She couldn’t even look after the head lice she had last year.

“Doctor, Doctor, I’ve lost my ability to shock.” “I’m not surprised.”

What’s blue and can’t sing? A Ford Focus