Category: stupid

I know an incredibly obese black gentleman, this guy is so fat he’s actually round. I really hate it when people mock him though. It’s just pointless racism.

My wife has tons of credit cards. She has so many magnetic strips in her wallet, her purse points north.

I fluffed my lines last night. That’ll teach me to hide cocaine in my sock.

I went to the library and asked, “Have you got any books on mountaineering?” The librarian replied, “They’re over there on top shelf.”

WARNING: Do not allow product to make contact with eyes. If contact is made, you’re an idiot. This is nail polish.

I went to see my boss today and said, “I think we have a communication problem.” He replied, “You can say that again, I fired you two weeks ago.”

I can make a room smell nice with either hand. I’m Ambi-Pur-Dextrous.

I was dropping some pills at a club last night when this guy came over to me, bent over, and picked them up.

My girlfriend just texted me: ‘I’m not talking to you’. I texted back: ‘I know, clever this texting lark isn’t it?’

They say “It’s always darkest, before dawn.” No it’s not. It’s always darkest when trying to find a place to sit in the cinema after the movie started.

My wife left me this time last year because I was always “too nostalgic” Ah, those were the days…

When I stand in front of all my fans… I’m blown away.

My mother said to me “always keep your eyes peeled.” Well i think that`s what she said, following her previous advice my ears are still pinned to the ground.

To impress the girls in the park earlier, I stuck a couple of socks in my boxers. It didn’t quite work out as well as I’d hoped, they called the RSPCA.

Tip Of The Day: Dress up as a wizard and pretend you have magic powers by removing the chip from your oyster card and putting it into a wand!