Category: shopping

I work in a tailors, today a man came in and insisted I sell him the material, tools and pattern for his outfit and refused to let me measure him and make it up for him. I thought, suit yourself..

If I can buy shampoo at the shops, where can I buy real poo?

My wife asked me to leave her a reminder in the kitchen when we ran out of milk. So I killed the cat and left it on the table for her.

I went to my local supermarket and they offered me a ‘bag for life’. I said, “No thanks, I’m already married.”

Why have pedigree not brought out a dog food that tastes like a postman’s leg?

I bought a TV aerial today and everyone in the shop starting to whoop, cheer and clap. I got a great reception.

Personally, I never buy anything off the black market. It never works and theres no way of sending it back.

Tesco – 1.50 for 2 litres Asda – 1.99 for 2x 2 litres Sainsburys – 2.00 for 2 litres Iceland – 50 a gram.

Me and the wife had a party for new years this year and i was in charge of the food, so i thought i’d do a buffet from different countries. So i got the hotdogs from America, pizzas from Italy , noodles from China and the rest from Iceland!

I’m very experienced in the bedroom department. I’ve worked at the one in Ikea for the last 20 years.

I released a genie from a magic lamp and he granted me a wish. I said, “I want to live forever.” The genie replied, “You can’t wish for immortality.” “Okay,” I said, “I want to to die when the DFS sale ends.”

I’m releasing a new product this winter called ‘Chocihot’, its a chocolate bar designed to make you feel warm inside. My slogan is going to be ‘Chocihot kills!’ Lambert and Butler had the same idea and they are selling in the millions…

I can’t wait for the Boxing Day offers in Asda tomorrow. Like 3 Easter Eggs for 5

VAT cut to 15%, will the pound shop now be called the 98p shop?

I was in Sainsbury’s the other day when I saw a man with a grey mullet. I said to him, “You look absolutely ridiculous.” “It’s not my fault, I have to wear this.” replied the fishmonger.