Category: sayings

Ainsley Harriott has reportedly given up cooking. Apparently the pots were being very racist about the kettle.

I was standing with my soon to be ex wife when my lawyer handed me our divorce papers and I asked. ” is that it done then?” “No.” He replied. ” It’s not over ’til the fat lady signs.”

..’and the truth shall set you free…’ – unless you really did kill them..

I think they should get Adele to play at Bin Laden’s funeral. Just to make sure that it’s really over.

Whenever I hear people say “Sticks and stones will break my bones, but names will never harm me.” I always think “Sticks?”

If my wife falls down in the kitchen, and no one is around to hear it… Does that mean I get away with it?

To be successful you have to smile, look amused and make a series of ‘ha!’ sounds. Do that, and you’re laughing.

My girlfriend threatened to leave me because of my obsession with Clint Eastwood. “Go ahead,” I said, “make my day.”

A red sky at night is a shepherds delight. But in Newport it means your car is probably on fire.

My parents always told to live each day as if it were my last. Now I walk around in constant fear of dying. Cheers mum and dad.

Don’t like yeast? Rise above it.

When I was young my father taught me to swim by throwing me in at the deep end of our pool .. .. and then slowly filling it with water.

A Rabbit’s foot is considered good luck. A Camel’s toe is considered really good luck.

If I had a penny for everytime I picked up a penny, I’d have the same amount of money as I have now

One man’s junk is every other man’s junk. The only difference is, somewhere along the line, One of those men will put that junk on eBay.