Category: sayings

I’m a peeping tom and windows are my idea of fun.

“Here’s looking at you kid” Which is why I’m now in jail for paedophillia.

Told my wife “christmas is just round the corner” and the daft cow’s gone looking for it.

Veni, Vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I shopped.

I’m more confused than a cow on astroturf

Shoplifting from River Island? Been there. Done that. Got the T-shirt

I was told that I define the saying “Ignorance is bliss”. I don’t understand what they’re on about. Doesn’t matter, I’m happy just the way I am.

‘A little knowledge is dangerous thing’. Explains why so many taxi drivers turn out to be murderers and rapists.

“It’s not the size of the dog in the fight, it’s the size of the fight in the dog.” Try telling that to the owner of the little terrier, down the road, that just had it’s throat ripped out by a rottweiler.

Confucius say: Man who eat photo of Father, soon spitting image of Father.

Make no mistake,I can’t stand errors.

My mother in law was admitted to hospital with a bad case of dementia, so when me and the wife were visiting her I said to the doctor “How bad is she, Doc?” to which he replied “Very bad i’m afraid, the lights are on but no-ones home”. So I robbed her house.

I wanted to see what my cat looked like from the inside, so I cut him open. Unfortunately he died. Curiosity eh?

There was trouble in my local chippy the other day, when Dwayne Johnson kicked up a fuss about how tough the fish was. I was caught between The Rock and a hard plaice.

I’ll tell you what makes me mad … Being an early contestant on ‘Britain’s Got Talent’.