Category: sayings

They say things come in three’s I don’t, I come in my socks

Herbal medicine. Because thyme heals all wounds.

I never really understood Idioms until I was sitting watching tv one night and my house collapsed… It came down on me like a ton of bricks.

“Fortune favours the bold…” Said the inventors of the first washing powder.

My optician told me I was colour-blind yesterday. That was a bolt from the yellow.

Me and my wife have a bun in the oven. And by ‘bun’ I mean ‘baby’. And by ‘in the oven’ I mean ‘in the oven’.

Better half a proverb

Some old sayings are too stupid for words. I can scientifically state, after extensive experiments in my shed; That a cat only has one life.

My neighbour took me on my first fishing trip yesterday, we got all the tackle set up on the riverbank & he said “can you open me a can of worms?” I said “Well, i see the milkman go into your house most mornings just after you go to work” Turns out he was talking […]

My wife and I are like chalk and cheese. I’m white and skinny, and she’s primarily made up of fat.

“And they called it puppy love” yeah cos they were doing it doggy style all the time

Top tip: It’s not who you know that’s important; it’s how your wife found out.

I’m absolutely gutted. My wife just left me. She took everything exept a few cadburys chocolate biscuits…on the other hand I’ve more fingers

As my dad used to say “A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” I told him to just take the car, but he was quite insistent on walking.

My girlfriend left me because of all the mental notes I make to myself. Maybe the one where I shaved the dog and carved ‘BUY SOME MILK’ into it’s back, was a little too far.