Category: sayings

I’m not just a pretty face you know. If I was, my lack of torso might be somewhat debilitating.

I’ve just dumped my girlfriend in a shallow grave. Well, not all of her, I kept one of her internal organs. You may think I’m sentimental but, home is where the heart is.

Stephen Hawking is continuing gambling after netting 250,000 in just one week. Looks like he’s on a roll.

My mum always taught me that pointing was rude. Probably why the only friend ET could make was ten.

Why doesn’t anyone sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to new-born babies?

I hate 21st century Britain. We live in a blame culture. I demand to know who’s responsible.

“All’s well that end’s well” Unless you’re unwell.

Doorbells. Don’t knock it until you’ve tried it.

Wouldn’t it be more appropriate if the saying “American as apple pie” was updated to “American as obesity”?

Free advice is usually wrong but don’t take my word for it.

It was always quite noisy in the grenade factory. It took three seconds to hear a pin drop.

I was told by me boss that I’m the best steeplejack that he’s ever employed. But I’m not going to shout from the rooftops about it.

If ‘everyone makes mistakes’ and ‘that’s why pencils have erasers’ How come we use pens?

The members of my parish are all aware of the evils of adultery and paedophilia. I practice what I preach.

Familiarity breeds contempt. Overfamiliarity breeds Chlamydia.