Category: sayings

I could hear my flat mate Winston muttering in the kitchen “hurry up and boil you dope.” I thought, ‘that’s the black calling the kettle pot’.

I often hear people say “if I was in their position I probably would have done the same thing”. Which brings me to an interesting question: If I were an undertaker…

I built my house from the ground up. I usually find that’s the best way to do it.

If I had a pound for every time my wife accused me of being unfaithful, I could’ve bought my girlfriend that necklace she’s always wanted.

My girlfriend tried to be funny last night by saying “I like my men like I like my coffee. Hot, sweet and black!” I wasn’t amused. So I said “I like my women like I like my beer. Cheap, tasteful and silent.”

My Grandfather used to say, “The least said the soonest mended.” When my television broke down I decided to follow this advice by ringing the TV repair company and saying nothing. Two months later my television remains broken and I have heard nothing from the repair company.

Women, we don’t want to put ourselves in your shoes, We want to put our hands in your knickers.

“You’re enough to drive a man to drink.” I said. “What do you mean?” she retorted. “Give us a lift to the pub?”

An alcoholic is someone whom you dislike that drinks as much as you do.

They say “Smoking can seriously harm your unborn child” I personally find a coathanger far more effective.

Someone told me that I’m too easily impressed. I think that was an absolutely amazing observation!

Internet dating: the odds are good but the goods are odd.

As my father used to say, if you’re good at something, don’t do it for free, which is why I’m on the dole.

I went in to my local Staples, and could not believe how disorganised the stationery was. It was all over the shop

‘Too Many Cooks Spoil The Broth’ Apparently, so does Bull Sperm.