Category: sayings

If music be the food of love, then masturbation is just a snack between meals.

Why do we say “heads up” when we actually duck?

I’ve just come back from america, similar to here but its the little differences that make it interesting. They say color, we say colour; they use z’s where s’s should be; the pavement is called a sidewalk; pancakes are apparently for breakfast and ‘save’ means ‘blow up with grenades’.

“All publicity is good publicity”, my Dad used to say. Until I posted his picture all over the village under the caption, “Known paedophile”.

Hand on lung, I know I should’ve paid attention in Biology.

Just bought a brand new bread knife … it’s the best thing since bread.

They say don’t judge a book by its cover but the employees at Waterstones get really angry when I read the book first

“Oi!” I shouted, at my archaeology teacher. “What?” He replied with a scared look on his face. “I’ve got a bone to pick with you!”

Laughter is the best medicine, which is why I am no longer a doctor

Dettol kills 99.9% of bacteria. So what would happen if you poured dettol into a yakult?

Martin Luthor King: “I had a dream” To much cheese before you went to bed Martin?

“If you can’t beat them. Join Them” This statement always rings true. For instance, you never see a man in the kitchen. Because a man can always beat a woman.

I’m always pulling on my mum’s heart strings. Which is why I’m banned from the Intensive Care unit.

I walked in on my daughter and her girlfriend pleasuring each other while wearing matching West Ham tops. They were going at it Hammer and tongues.

I was at my local watering hole the other day when I thought to myself, “Maybe this move to Ethiopia wasn’t right for me…”