Category: sayings

I saw a magistrate reading a novel, so I grabbed it and put it over his face but he got very angry. You shouldn’t cover a judge by his book.

Sliced bread. The best thing since chopped up mammoth.

My hairs really stuck up. That’s a private education for you.

My wife’s narcolepsy completely spoilt our Medditeranean cruise. Now she’s sleeping with the fishes.

Why do people always describe a death as “untimely”, “his death was untimely”? As in occuring at an inopportune moment, as if death is ever really not “untimely”. At all times death is at the very least a major inconvenience.

Sticks and stones may break my bones but I also have low self esteem and suffer from a severe lack of confidence so words can really hurt me also.

Life is something that everyone should try at least once.

I have a dream: a dream that, one day, chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

Has anyone actually ever seen a storm in a tea cup?

“Things always look better in the morning.” Disproven by one night stands.

The “customer is always right.” phrase doesn’t really apply when you are a Lifeguard. As the now permanently-paralyzed people that I let dive into the shallow end of the pool will testify.

“Red sky at night” – Shepherd’s Delight. “I said a hip, hop, the hippie, the hippie to the hip hip hop, a you don’t stop” – Rapper’s Delight.

Found a 6 foot giant teddy bear with a key in its back, left against my front door this morning. I thought this has got to be a wind-up, surely?

The local kids have taken to calling me “Age” I’m only 17, but you know what they say, age really creeps up on you

I set up a game of “Pick the hat” on the street yesterday. A tramp came up and after I performed my little show I asked, “So, which hat?” He looked confused and just walked away. I guess beggars can’t be choosers.