Category: sayings

A nagging wife is like a dripping tap… Until the plumber comes round and fixes it.

At my funeral, I want the the vicar to say “in the end, the risk far outweighed the chocolate biscuit”.

I’m worried about my nan. If she’s alone in her house, and she falls, does she make a sound?

“less is more” Nope, more is more.

I asked for a pay rise at work because I’m the most able and end up having to spoon feed everyone there. Apparently that’s expected when you work with disabled people.

No point crying over spilt milk, could be worse …Could be beer.

Confucius say: not much since 479 BC.

I get annoyed when retailers insist on charging 99p, or 9.99 for products. I usually tell them to ‘keep the change’ but they get very angry. More often than not, they throw me out of the shop. In fact, if I had a penny for every time it happened, the situation could be avoided altogether.

There was a Chav hiccuping on the train this morning, it was starting to annoy me so I told him to hold his breath. He said, “Oh, cheers mate, its coz I’m hiccupin’ init?” I replied, “No it’s because you are an absolute loser and I want you off the face off the Earth.”

My neighbour asked if he could borrow some snow from my snowman. I just gave him the cold shoulder.

“What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger.” -Evil Knievel “What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller” -Super Mario

It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Then its fun and games that someone can’t see.

Yesterday, I was asked if I knew what the phrase ‘Delusions of Grandeur’ meant. I replied, “Of course I do, I created that phrase.”

When I was a kid my dad told me that the man must bring home the bacon in the household. But I went one better – I married a pig.

When a hipster tree falls in a forest, it makes a sound, but you probably haven’t heard it before.