Category: sayings

I’m so pessimistic I don’t even have a cup.

My local barber is claiming social security while running his business. Is that what they call fringe benefits?

The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

I just got kicked where the sun don’t shine. Last time i ever go on Holiday to Iceland in winter.

“Out of small acorns grow mighty oaks” I must have the bonsai variety

What’s the difference between Tango and Rohypnol? You know when you’ve been Tangoed.

I landed myself in hot water with the fit blonde from next door. Unfortunately, it was when I slipped while peeping through her bathroom skylight.

It was a customer who said “The customer is always right”. This is easily deduced from the fact it’s wrong.

Today I discovered that two wrongs definitely don’t make a right. Tomorrow I’m going to try three.

Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep; if I die before I wake will someone please delete my internet browser history.

Paddy’s comparisons of women to men on Take me Out: ‘let the banana see the split’ ‘let the doctor see the patient’ More like let the jam see the tarts.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish – problem solved.

Live each day like it’s your last… Eventually you’ll get it right.

I’ve just been watching my neighbour spend hours meticulously gluing Bubble wrap to his dinghy. Well, whatever floats your boat.

They say savour the small things in life. Could someone tell my wife that?