Category: sayings

I’ve been fishing for five hours now and the only thing in my net is two compliments.

My Chinese mate always tells the truth. Believe Yu-Mi, he never lies.

I’m really good at geography. I could always find my way from A to B. One of the best train drivers there was.

Why do people say, “What you need is a nice cup of tea”? It’s not like there is ever a scenario where you would need, “A nasty cup of tea”.

My wife’s always complaining that I have to go one better than everyone. Well I don’t give three hoots what she thinks.

Has anyone else wondered why there were “Ten in the bed” in the first place?

For my wife’s birthday I got her a present that “fell off the back of a lorry” if you know what I mean. Unfortunately for her, it was a vase.

‘What goes around comes around’. If this were true, Surely I would now be dating the slapper I’ve been asking out for the last five years.

I was telling my dad that it’s easy to steal washing off the neighbours line. He said, “I know son, Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.”

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house not a creature was stirring… Until my Dad slapped me for narrating at 1 in the morning.

I hate when people use the phrase ”it’s really growing on me”. Tumors grow on people and they’re hardly good news.

They say that “it’s not who you know, its what you know”. I would say “its what you know about who”.

“Behind every successful man is a woman”. Serves them right for running in the same race then.

I rule my house with an iron fist. Ever since they fitted me with a prosthetic.

First thing in the morning the sun came out. Later on the sun went back in. Then it slowly got dark. It really made my day.