Category: sayings

“Well, he seems to have his heart in the right place” Is always best heard from a doctor.

“Laugh and the world laughs with you” …. is the maxim likely to get you ejected from the crowd at the Special Olympics.

‘In for a penny, in for a pounding.’ The new slogan on the local brothel.

The time comes when you know you really ‘should get out more’. You wake up and suddenly think you’d quite like to grow your own cress.

I’ve recently opened a vegetarian restaurant in America. It’s called ‘Don’t Have a Cow, Man.’

I’ve always had a bit of an eye for the ladies. It’s never done me any good though, they tend to be absolutely disgusted when I get it out of my pocket to show them.

Money can’t buy you happyness, unless you buy drugs.

A foolish man will tell a woman to shut up. A wise man will tell a woman she is beautiful with her lips closed.

Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.

My wife left me because apparently I talk in irrelevant football cliches. Talk about a game of two halves.

A friend of mine has been offering me free scuba diving lessons for years now and has told me we can start next week. I’m not going to hold my breath.

Whenever times are troubled, I like to remember the words of my old scoutmaster. “Shhh, it’ll be our little secret”.

They say “the enemy of my enemy is my friend”. So any advice on what to do with the self harmer that I hate?

They say that you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Not such great advice when you’re a youth outreach worker with aspirations of becoming a pimp.

A Scouser, A Gypsy and a Black man.. Break into a Bar.