Category: sayings

Bad things always come in threes. With the exception of The Cheeky Girls.

A friend is just a stranger I wish I’d never met.

Somebody was telling me earlier about the Mayan Calendar and an event predicted to happen on the 21st of December 2012, but I can’t remember what it was. Oh well, it’s not the end of the world.

They say if there’s turf on the wicket lets play cricket. I say if there aint no turf she aint giving birth!

We may be made from snips of snails and puppy dogs’ tails, but at least we don’t smell of fish.

Never take a bull by the horns; take him by the tail, then you can let go without getting some one to help you.

“Two’s company, three’s a crowd” As they like to say at Wigan Athletic.

From time to time I like to bend my wife over in front of me and take her from behind, but she rarely agrees to it. Sometimes I just need to twist her arm into it.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. How about: don’t serve food that has less appeal than your own hand?

Gravity just doesn’t float my boat.

My son seems to be hanging out with too many cooks, spoiling broths. But it’s just a phrase he’s going through.

“If you can’t beat them, join them.” Confusing thing to say to a double arm amputee after giving them a bongo set as a present.

If you get an infinite number of rednecks shooting at an infinite number of road signs with an infinite number of guns, eventually one of them will come up with the complete works of Shakespeare in Braille.

My Mother-in-law used to say, “If at first you don’t succeed try and try again.” A philosophy that came back to haunt her as I struck her for the eighth time with my claw hammer.

I’ve just broke two of the knuckles on my righthand. I really shouldn’t hit the bottle.