Category: sayings

I’m not a big talker. My girlfriend only has to look in the mirror to know if she’s done something wrong…

A good friend of mine accused me of betrayal. I was so offended I stabbed him in the back.

I’ve been writing an essay on the origins of euphemistic language. Apparently ‘how’s your father’ originated from the Vatican City.

Cannibals love a good bargain. If you offered a cannibal a buy-one-get-one-free he’d bite your hand off.

I’ve never been one to call a spade a spade. So it came as no surprise when I was fired from the casino.

Give a man a fish, and he’ll feed himself for a day. Beat him to death with his own shoe, and he won’t be hungry anymore.

Today cops found all the stolen organs at my work but were still missing a heart. I finally gave up and said,”Home…Is where the heart is.”

The term ‘LOL’ can no longer be used as it is politically incorrect.

Beware the witching hour! In other words; when the Americans are online!

Pain is temporary, success is permanent. Just like that temporary bit of pain before that permanent thing… Death.

Today may be the first day of the rest of your life, but it is also the last day of your life so far.

I saw my girlfriend lying on our bed looking miserable. I said, “Let’s turn that frown upside down.” Any excuse for a 69.

The pen may be mightier than the sword, But a sword wont leak in your pocket, ruining a good pair of trousers.

I’ve given up trying to explain to my daughter how she could improve her hockey skills. She always gets the wrong end of the stick.

I’m sitting here looking at the results of years of working my fingers to the bone. I’ve got boney fingers.