Category: sayings

Whenever I get the chance, I give my wife a cuddle, because you know what they say – “Keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer.”

I got arrested shoplifting from ASDA today. The police wouldn’t accept my alibi that all the lemons I stole were given to me by life.

When a punter in an Amsterdam nightclub insults a hooker for downing two shots of a green liqueur in short order, she knocks him out cold with one punch. ‘Aahh’, I thought, ‘absynth makes the tart grow stronger’

I offered my ex-wife a shoulder to cry on after she was diagnosed with cancer but she refused. I forgot she doesn’t like lamb.

If you give an African a fish, he’ll eat for a day. If you give him a fishing rod, he’ll think it’s his brother with a reel of cotton.

I don’t know who Pete is, but he must be pretty important for everyone to worry about his sake.

I wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for my father. He gave me a lift to the pub.

My mate gets really turned on when he see’s the hull of a ship. Well, whatever floats your boat.

Went streaking in a bird sanctuary at 6AM. Turns out the early bird really does catch the worm.

My Grandad always used to say “find a penny, pick it up, and all day long you’ll have good luck.” Which worked well for him, until he drowned in a fountain.

‘Best thing since sliced bread’ As opposed to when people would jus ram a full loaf in their mouth….

Give a man a stick and some string, and he will try and make a fishing rod out of it. Give a man a fishing rod, and he will sell it on eBay.

I got fired from my job at the chicken farm today. I told my boss that I put 1632 eggs in the incubator. How was I supposed to know I shouldn’t count them?

Two vital tools in life: WD40 and Gaffa tape. When it doesn’t move and should, use the WD40; when it moves and shouldn’t, use the gaffa tape.

They say revenge is a dish best served cold. Actually, that’s necrophilia.