Category: sayings

You know what they say, you never forget your first! Unless you repress it like I did. Uncle Tom was so rough….

”An apple a day keeps the doctor away” Unless It’s in suppository form.

My father worked with iron, and his father before him. It’s in my blood.

A wise man once said, “What’s for you will never go past you.” He obviously didn’t travel with Firstbus, then.

‘If you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen’. Is one suggestion I won’t be putting into my wife’s head.

Just been to the cinema and sat with a champion wrestler to the left of me and Simon Weston to the right. I was in between the Rock and a charred face.

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its trousers on.” – Winston Churchill Perhaps the truth would not lag so far behind, if it refrained from taking it’s trousers off in the first place.

I was helping out in my wife’s bridal shop, when a fat, frumpy, 50ish-yr-old woman came in. “Bridesmaid dresses?” she inquired. “Left, on the shelf” I said. I still don’t know why she started sobbing.

They say ‘absence makes the heart grow fonder’. They’re right, ever since I left my wife, I’ve never been happier.

I’m as honest as the day is long….. …in Iceland…. …at Christmas.

My dad came down to breakfast dressed as a matador. I think he was having a seor moment.

The pen is mightier than the sword… … as Joe Pesci comprehensively proved in Casino.

Why does no one ever say ‘Did I say that out loud?’ after actually having said nothing?

“It’s not the cough that carries you off, it’s the coffin they carry you off in” Unless you’re a Muslim, then they bury you in a sheet….. if they can find the bits….

My employee is suing me after he fell off a ladder at work. This time he went one step too far.