Category: sayings

I met a bloke who illegally harvests peoples’ organs. Now there’s a man after my own heart.

My Grandad’s very intelligent, but he still ‘talks in riddles’. Yesterday he said, “Where there are visible vapors having their prevalence in ignited carbonaceous material, there is conflagration.” I didn’t have a clue what he was on about, but I thought “There’s no smoke without fire.”

Surely it is time for the old saying “best thing since sliced bread” to be replaced with “the best thing since in private browsing”.

Since when did bull faeces become so untrustworthy?

“If I don’t laugh I’ll cry!” Thank you, whoever penned that little gem, got me through my mother-in-laws funeral.

My deaf mute brother went on a rampage in a supermarket today,killing 13. Its always the quiet ones.

I took a woman back to mine last night. She said, “I’m like a fine wine in bed. I’ve got better with age.” I said, “Well I’m like Jack Daniels.” She asked, “Aged 18?” I said, “No. Good liquor”

I just had to shut down my new restaurant ‘The Broth’. I hired too many cooks and it spoilt it.

My wife says that I live my life “Like a candle in the wind.” Apparently, it’s because I go out a lot.

Those that say ‘As one door closes, another one opens’ have clearly never seen an episode of Takeshi’s Castle

is it me or do the people of norfolk take the saying ‘keep it in the family’ to seriously.

I’m sick of defending my son every time someone calls him a freak. He needs to learn how to stand on his own three feet.

You could hear a pin drop in my house this morning when the wife found out I’d been having an affair. Pity I didn’t see the grenade that she’d just pulled it from.

A problem shared is a problem halved. Unless you tell a woman.

Confucius say: “Woman who sit on judge’s lap get honourable discharge”