Category: sayings

Apparently, California has the highest rates of depression and adultery in America. Sounds like a sad state of affairs.

‘Its not about winning, its the taking part that counts’ – The National Lottery

I asked a woman the other day ‘what do you do for a job?’ she said ‘I’m a ‘stay at home wife” I said ‘that’s not a job…that’s any good husband’s advice.’

My Father once told me “Son, find a job you love and you’ll never work another day in your life.” He was absolutely right… I work for the council.

Whoever coined the phrase “Quiet as a mouse” has clearly never stepped on one.

I was arguing with a Muslim about religion and he said, “Well, I will enter the Kingdom of God before you.” “I’ll give you that…”, I conceded, “…but you’ve got a head start on me.” “Why?” he asked smugly. “Because I’m holier than you?” “No”, I huffed. “Because you stink to high heaven.”

They say that there is a bullet out there with your name on it. That’s why I’ve lived my whole life in fear because my surname is Armour-Piercing.

They say even a broken clock tells the correct time twice a day. Not mine, the hands are missing.

If you have nothing nice to say, might as well throw the first punch.

It’s been a really busy this week, I’ve been reading about and experimenting with recreational drugs from A to Z. Finally, I’m up to Speed.

I tried to teach my grandmother to suck eggs… Which is why I’m banned from the fertility clinic.

I’ve just found out, that if you visit a Doctor’s wife with a bag of apples. You won’t get disturbed.

They say if you hang around them for long enough, they will eventually be your friend. Imagine my surprise when the restraining order came through.

I’m hoping to get some investment for my new business venture…It’s eleven foot barge poles for things you wouldn’t touch with a ten foot barge pole…any offers

I’ve had an idea for something that keeps liquid inside a bottle. It’s a corker.