Category: sayings

My Dad gave me the advice that; “Friends are the people who come to bail you out of prison, but true friends are the ones sitting next to you in the cell”. That’s why I only befriend rapists and murderers.

Need to let your cats out of the house without opening the back door? There’s a flap for that.

Vampire teenager: ”Dad, if you won’t let me go out I’ll simply wait for you to fall asleep.” Vampire dad: ”That’ll be the day.”

Children are to be seen and not heard. Unless you’re singing at the Beijing Olympics.

All things being equal, I’d fail my maths test.

I asked my wife to grab me a beer from the fridge earlier. She said, “What did your last slave die of?” She got stabbed actually. After answering me back and making me wait for my beer.

The other day my Nan asked me to be a dear and make her a cup of tea… So I put on a pair of antlers and got hit by a car and then I made tea.

They say dead men tell no tales. Thank god neither do dead women.

I’m having trouble finishing up my dragons den pitch for my hotcakes business. I’ve got my sales figures, but i just can’t describe them.

The Devil Makes Work For Idle Hands. He’ll have his work cut out if her ever visits Liverpool then.

They say what you don’t know, can’t hurt you. Not so true when it comes to bomb defusal.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away.. Nothings a match for me and my cannon!

What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over.

Whoever said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me,” obviously hasn’t called their missus a fat slag.

My mum had a party at her house last night. I went into the kitchen at one point to find her with her tongue down her new boyfriend’s throat. I said, “Get a broom.” She said, “Don’t you mean ‘Get a room’?” I said, “No. I’ve dropped some Monster Munch on your new carpet.”