Category: sarcasm

CAUTION: If shower gel gets in your eyes, rinse with water. So…the same as every other part of my body I get shower gel on then?

‘ Now,that looks like a happily married couple,’ said my wife. ‘ Don’t be too sure, ‘ I replied, ‘ they’re probably saying the same about us. ‘

I finally get this “big society” thing, David Cameron spends 680,000 doing up number 10 and I have earned 680 to keep my family of 3 for a month “we are in this together”.

When I take a long time, I’m slow. When my boss takes a long time, he’s thorough. When I can’t finish it, I’m lazy. When my boss can’t finish it, he’s too busy. When I do something without being told, I’m hasty. When my boss does something without being told, he’s using his initiative. When […]

Christ alive it’s Easter Sunday!!!

Some bloke just came up to me and said, “Did I see you on the telly this morning?” I said, “I don’t know mate… You can’t see out the other way.”

How many blind people does it take to change a lightbulb? Well think about it, there wouldn’t be much point, would there?

“If you’re repeating a gag from a comic – always credit it. It’s only fair.” In that case, I’d just like to admit that I ate some of Michael McIntyres vomit and it repeated on me.

BBC News – “UK sailors missing off Portugal” Did the captain go to the mess and leave his cabin doors unlocked?

My wife said, “I’m just off for a bath.” So I rushed to put my coat on. She said, “Where are you going?” “To get you a card,” I replied. “I didn’t realise it was your birthday.”

Headline: “Factory ruined in ‘suspect’ fire.” Police are on the lookout. Suspect is thought to be glowing orange and boiling hot.

My wife was trying on new clothes and asked me “How do I look?”. I told her “You use your eyes like everyone else, you stupid cow!”

A civil servant goes to see the department head. “Why do you want a transfer now?” asks the department head. “You’ve been in the same job in the same office for 39 years!” “I’m not sure,” says the civil servant, “I think it’s that wild and restless gypsy blood in me.”

I walked into Starbucks earlier to get myself a black coffee. “Instant?” he asked… “No, could I wait for half an hour please!”

A news headline read: ‘Harry Potter blamed for India’s owl crisis’ No real surprise, that a country that has a six-armed elephant-man as a god, would think Harry Potter is an actual person.