Category: sarcasm

Translation between Haynes service manual and real world #2 Haynes: Idler pulley should come off by hand or may be pryed gently with two screwdrivers. Real world: Idler pulley should come off when pryed savagely with a 3 foot crowbar, or alternately when beaten severely out of shape with a 20oz claw hammer.

Just bought a jacket on ebay with buy it now and got an email saying ‘Congratulations! You won the item’ Shouldn’t I get my money back then?

My friends say I’m too easy to please. I was delighted when they told me.

“Ive just switched on the local News and was pleasantly surprised to see that they have a minority news reader as one of the two presenters!” It makes me proud that the West Midlands is leading the way in pushing them to the forefront so good luck to the white guy,

My wife left me because of my constant references to cowboys. This house wasn’t big enough for the both of us anyway.

I bought one of those “Memory Foam” mattresses the other day, It doesn’t work, I think it’s got amnesia.

For years, evolution theorists have been crossing monkeys with sea water … They’ve eventually come up with the term ..’African-American’

BBC News: ‘Stabbed girl had several injuries’ I wonder if they should have followed that up with, ‘Stabbed girl is female’

Roughly, women go through the change at more or less the same time in life. As soon as you marry them.

Ive just seen an advert for a notebook, it says its got crisp white paper, so you can write on both sides of the paper Now correct me if Im wrong, but Im pretty sure this isnt a break though in paper technology. Whats next? Advertising see-though windows?

A Welshman, an Irishman, a Paki, Jimmy Carr, two lesbians, a Jew and my neighbour’s nine-year-old daughter walk into a bar. The barman screams, “DUPLICATE!” And then he says something bad about Americans.

Hearing rumours of retaliation for attack on Fortnum and Mason: a mob of tweed clad old Etonians vandalise a Lidl in Slough.

Maybe burning those poppies wasn’t such a bad thing, I haven’t seen this much Nationalism since Hitler…

BBC News Headline: Soldier’s ashes saved from fire. If you ask me I think you saved him a little too late.

I don’t know what all this hype is about Man Utd’s goal against Tottenham yesterday? It was at Old Trafford after all … The unbiased referee clearly let Gomes off a booking for handling the ball in his own area as well.