Category: sarcasm

My wife said to me “If you suddenly had 1 million pounds in your pocket, what would be the first thing you’d buy?” I said “A pair of jeans with smaller pockets”.

Virgin Media offer the best customer service, They offer a choice of music you wish to listen to whilst you wait for the next 25 minutes! No other company offers you this!

Call me paranoid, but I’m sure something funny is going on in that clown college up the street.

BBC News: Nine held over global iPhone scam. You mean the board of directors at Apple?

Some religious nut just approached me in the street and said, “Do you think the world will ever end?” I said, “I doubt it, it’s a circle.”

Guy Ritchie has described ex-wife Madonna as “a perfectly good screen actress”. He also thinks Andiry Voronin is a perfectly good footballer and Gerry McCann is a perfectly good father.

No, I said I was fully trained in SECOND aid…. Which means I can give you looks of concern until someone that knows first aid gets here.

I was in the pub last night and I walked up to the barman and said “Vodka please mate” He said “How would you like it?” I said “Give it to me straight” He said “You’re fat and ugly”

My wife just said to me “Just how brainless and heartless can you possibly get?” I said well “I caught a Jellyfish once”.

With comic relief being on iPlayer, I can choose the bits I actually want to watch. None of it.

I saw this lovely three piece suite in DFS and it seemed quite a bargain. Does anyone know when they have their sales?

Facebook: Because the best cure for boredom is telling the world how bored you are…

I think I’ve found the perfect job for my wife. Working at a centre for the deaf.

Everyone moans about women drivers but my nan has been driving for 50 years now and she’s never had a accident. Although she has seen hundreds

Graffiti on the local corner shop in my neighbourhood PaKI PRiks Ou, ROBin ARe JoB Yes because it’s the immigrants that are stopping you from getting a job, obviously doesn’t have anything to do with your intelligence