Category: sarcasm

I just bought a new chair and inside was a packet of silica gel. Thank god it had ‘do not eat’ written on it as I was about to sprinkle it over my chips.

BBC News: Births fuel population rise. And your mind is blown.

I read an article in today’s Sun: ‘Reasons to be glad to be living in the current day and age’ One of the reasons was ‘Lifespan increases by 5 hours each day’ I’m pretty sure my lifespan increases by 24 hours every day

Johnsons baby: New formula designed to be soft on skin As opposed to the last formula which was designed to cut gaping wounds in your baby?

I have just told iTunes that I’ve read and agreed to their Terms Of Service when I actually haven’t! I’ve never felt more alive!!

My mate just rung me and said, “Is anything going on tonight?” I said, “Yes. Street lights.”

I picked up the phone this morning and a salesman on the line said “Good morning sir,I have a fantastic offer today, we want to supply and install a free conservatory in your home in return that we use it for our marketing” I replied “that seems fair, I’ll take it” He then asked “Can […]

I dont like the idea of this santa guy, he has been sneaking into kids rooms and emptying his sack all over the place for generations and gets credit for it. I try to finger one baby and ive ”gone too far.”

The stock market. It’s like William Hill for rich people.

Dear Odeon, I support your appeal to combat film piracy, but try to broadcast the piracy phone number BEFORE the Orange advert tells me to turn my mobile phone off.

I’m just watching the fourth Britains got talent semi final. I can’t wait to watch the three finals and see who the twelve winners are.

The UK, the driving force behind the Industrial Revolouton, inventor of vast medicines such as Penicillin, winner of the world cup, conqueror of Napoleon and Hitler, the heart and soul behind the period of exploration, and our Eurovision song is more queer than the host, Graham Norton, and has the charisma of peanut. Rule Brittania.

Helpful Tip: Avoid Papercuts by using scissors to remove the sharpe edges of paper before use.

“Did you know you can change your old or unwanted gold for cash with cash4gold.com?!” What kind of moron didn’t know that you can sell one of the worlds most valuable precious metals before this advert was on t.v?

If my wife ever spoke her mind, she’d probably be speechless!