Category: puns

I set fire to the wife last night. This morning she was still fuming.

Police were shocked to find bones dumped at the side of the M5 motorway. They’re now scouring the hard shoulder for Spock and Chekov.

I had a Cardiac Arrest yesterday. I caught some bloke stealing hearts from the morgue.

My mate said to me ‘I bet you 20 that Poland go through’ Czech again

I named my son Matt Damon. He’s my first Bourne.

After putting on weight, I lost my job as a Disneyland Donald Duck. I didn’t fit the bill.

See Bill and Ben were caught doing drugs. Potheads.

My girlfriend bought me a watch for my birthday, even though she knows I already have one. What a waste of time.

I had a soft drink while catching up on the ironing. It was soda pressing.

Glad I ignored that Facebook friend request from Jock Strapp…. turns out he’s a nutcase.

I took the cap off the toothpaste. In my defence it looked ridiculous, it doesn’t even have a head

When the world’s shortest woman landed at my local airport, I was centimetre.

I like to keep a collection of wardrobes in my house, but i don’t tell anyone about it. I’m a closet fan.

I’ve always thought about carrying a donor card But I’ve never had the heart

When I was a kid I used to love Meccano. I would spend ages alone in my room, with my tool in my hand, tightening my little nuts.