Category: puns

I had a night on the tiles last night. I fell asleep on my scrabble board.

I’ve just bought some new jogging trainers, they should prove a good purchase in the long run

I walked into the kitchen and found the words “You will die” spelt out in really old coins It was a shilling message

I went to the doctors and he said I was in the early stages of heart disease. I took it with a pinch of salt.

I just bought a kitchen from MFI, 80% off. I ended up with just a sink and a cupboard.

My wife left me because I have “no imagination” I can’t imagine what life will be like without her.

I got into a fight with an amputee. He beat me single-handedly.

Over 60 people have been injured in a crowd surge at the switching-on of Birmingham’s Christmas lights, during a free concert by boy band JLS. I don’t know, teenage girls and their crushes…

I’ve been having an affair with a film director’s wife. Yesterday he caught us in bed together. He was furious. I said to him, “Look, mate, don’t make a scene.”

I worked for a team of robbers in a bank heist. I was only allowed to be the getaway driver. Oh well, it’s the taking part that counts

Oxy-moron: Someone who abuses their right to breathe oxygen eg. Katie Price

I’ve been told I have a gambling addiction. I’m not sure how to deal with it.

I’ve been working round the clock in my new job and it’s left me knackered. It’s not easy cleaning the windows on Big Ben.

And then 15 officers were running after me down the alleyway. Sorry, I like to cut to the chase

The person that created the plunger. I bet he’s churning in his grave.