Category: professions

The Metropolitan Police Air Support Unit. Because pigs CAN fly.

Yesterday at work, I told some paedo jokes from this site. Today, I’m not a paediatrician anymore.

I’ve just got a job as a Private Detective. I don’t solve crimes, just mostly keep myself to myself.

I have just lost my job protecting murder scenes until the forensic teams arrive. Apparently my sperm was interfering with their investigations.

“Tell me,” said the doctor, “how many cigarettes do you smoke per day?” “That varies,” I said. “Some days I smoke 30 to 40, but then there are days when I just can’t get enough.”

After 12 years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears to my eyes.. He said, “No hablo ingles.”

A gorgeous bird in my office just came up to me to talk shop, and she opened up with the line “I’ve been thinking long and hard about it”. I immediately replied with “you’re correct”. She’s just reported me to the supervisor.

A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the man to hit him as hard as possible on the head. The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block. The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing. Three years later, the magician wakes […]

A big black man stopped me in the street and got me to empty my pockets. … afterwards he said, “Sorry about that Sir, its just you fitted the description of the suspect perfectly”. I said, “That’s alright officer”.

“What are my chances, doctor?” “Well, I’ve done this operation 94 times…” “Great, that’s nice to know.” “…and I’m bound to get it right one of these days.”

A doctor called in his next patient. This was an Italian immigrant and he always had problems making him understand. The man walked in and proudly put a model of Buzz Lightyear on the table. “I’m sorry? What’s this for?” “You tell me bring specimen.”

My psychiatrist told me I have delusions of grandeur. Which is strange because the Queen herself once told me the same thing.

I was stopped and searched by a copper on the way home from the pub last night. As he was about to go through my pockets, he said to me, “Have you got anything sharp on you?” So I said, “Well, this jacket’s by Hugo Boss.”

I’m always a positive person… I just wish the police would stop testing me.

The Welsh mining industry looks set for a come-back…… Apparently they’ve found some copper in Snowdonia.