Category: professions

Ali Dizaei – proving Police Corruption isn’t just for white people

I went to the hairdressers yesterday and asked for a Number 2 all over. So he shat on my head.

I went to a Fortune Teller last night. She told me I had an honest face. I wonder who she thinks nicked her handbag?

I went on a training course to be a butcher, but I just couldn’t cut it.

I told a policeman that I think I am allergic to them. He said, “Why’s that?” I said, “Well every time I have contact with a cop I break out in rashers.”

Doctor: Whats wrong with your brother? Boy: He thinks hes a chicken. Doctor: Really? How long has he thought this? Boy: Three years. Doctor: Three years?!? Boy: We would have brought him in sooner, but we needed the eggs.

Could my local force be having its first person with Down’s Syndrome in uniform? Apparently, he would be a Special Constable.

I got fired from my job as a film editor. I just couldn’t cut it.

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out […]

Didn’t ‘Seasonal Affective disorder’ just used to be called ‘Winter’?

A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Bubble wrap. The psychiatrist says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”

‘Number Of Police ‘Will Fall By 10,000’ How can they be so sure what’s going to happen in eight thousand years time?

“If you want to live much longer” said the doctor gravely, “you’ll have to stop smoking.” “It’s too late for that,” I said. “It’s never too late to stop.” “Well, then I have plenty of time left.”

I went to my doctor and said, “I keep getting sudden, overwhelming feelings that I’m Mexican.” He said, “You’re having Hispanic attacks.”

I’ve not been having much luck with the ladies lately. This week I’ve already had two pick me out of the line up!