Category: professions

I got arrested today. It seems you can shorten “Sergeant” to “Sarge”, but you can’t do the same with “Constable”.

I went to my doctor and told him that every time I see a Biro lid, I get all sad and tearful. “Tell me,” he replied, “how long have you had these pen top emotions?”

A Nottingham policeman’s favourite snack – Hot Dogs

My favourite painter is that Rorschach guy who paints all the pictures of mutilated corpses

BBC News – “Rioters cost JD 700,000” I see that there isn’t a similar headline for Waterstones…

A chav walked into a hospital. “Are you here for the transfusion?” asked the doctor, “Yes, blud.”

If I was a doctor I’d lighten the mood by saying things like “I hope that’s a tattoo of a cancerous mole on your back.”

“The doctor removed my left ventricle and atrium,” Tom said half-heartedly.

I work as a postman. The pay isn’t great, but anything addressed to ‘Cash 4 Gold’ is a good bonus.

Tottenham Riots: “Protesters are believed to have gathered outside the police station earlier in the evening but the situation turned violent at about 20:20 BST” That’s 20:20 “Blacks start trouble” then

I’ve only just heard the shocking news from Haiti. Apparently blacks have jobs there.

My girlfriend said she wants to be a comedian. “You’ll be just as succesful as all those other female comedians out there,” I told her. “Like who?” “Exactly.”

I went to a psychiatrist last week. I felt people kept taking advantage of me. I’m going back tomorrow to finish decorating the surgery .

There’s something strange in my neighborhood! I think I’ll call Ghostbusters…they’re better than the riot police!!

There I was, sat in the waiting room, sweaty, shaking, and nervous about the results of my test to be revealed. The doctor walked in, then sat down, I look him in the eye and said, “Doctor, give it to me straight!” “That’s impossible, we’re both men”, he replied, “Plus I don’t want Chlamydia.”