Category: professions

If you can’t beat them… contact the police and they’ll beat them for you.

Apparently, you’re meant to call 999 if you’re being chased by someone. I recently discovered it doesn’t work to well if that someone is the police.

Saw two blokes having an argument down the pub last night. One said, “What’s your problem?” The other replied, “Nothing mate. What’s your problem?” Nosey mathematicians. What are they like?

“You do not have to say anything. But it may harm your defence if you do not mention when questioned something which you later rely on in court. Anything you do say may be given in evidence” “Please don’t hit me again, officer”

After being off work I went to the doctors today. He gave me a “Certificate of Sickness” I was well pleased – maybe next time I’ll get a badge.

If you get stopped by the police in the car and they get you to wind the window down and ask, “Do you know why we pulled you over, sir?” Apparently, “Did you forget?” isn’t a suitable answer.

I was so angry and a go at the cops last week when they took my driving license away. So you should have seen how good I felt as I drove past them again today with no seat belt on and while using my phone. Those fools just stared and did nothing, they know not […]

The newspapers this week have given extensive coverage to the fact that a black man has set a record for running 150 metres down a street in Manchester. However, they failed to mention the fact that he did it with a video under one arm and 5 police dogs chasing after him.

I don’t really get what’s so hot about role playing. I dated this black girl who wanted me to play the role of a police officer… so I tazed her and planted cocaine in her pocket.

Well its that time of year to go out joy riding…bonfire night. Its the only time they dont send out the police helicopter.

People sometimes ask if it bothers me that a police station is right beside my house. I actually like it because if I get arrested in town, it’s a lot cheaper than taking a cab home.

I’m a carpet fitter and recently every time I have been to work I’ve just stared screaming and having horrible flashbacks. My doctor has told me I’ve got underlaying mental problems

Just seen a show advertised on tv called peter Andre here to help. Here Pete carry this plasma for me… says the guy in hackney.

A woman goes to the doctor and asks “my husband walks with a terrible limp because his left leg is two inches longer than his right, what would you do in his case?” to which the doctor replies “I’d probably limp too!”

A guy goes to the doctor with sore feet. The doctor examines him and says: “You’re going to have to put on a clean pair of socks every day for a week.” By the end of the week he couldn’t get his boots on.