Category: professions

There is no point complaing about police brutality… We give em a whistle and a yellow flash jacket And we’re suprised when they go out clubbing !

I had a secret meeting with a detective last night. He said it was better if I didn’t know his name, then extended his hand for me to shake. That was a bit of a give away, Inspector Gadget.

My wife kept suggesting I put my skills as a mechanic to good use in the bedroom, so I thought I’d give it a go. I tried a few things, but eventually I jacked it in.

Bankers are people that help you with problems you would not have had without them.

I met this amazing bloke today. It was spooky what he knew about me. I wondered if he had ever thought about doing this for a living like Derren Brown. I thought I would ask him after he had finished taking my fingerprints.

So I said to this Doctor in the pub today. “Do you treat alcoholics?” He said “Not usually, but what you having?”

What’s with all the anti-police jokes on here? Every Breath You Take is a brilliant song.

I went to the doctors last week and said, “Doctor, I can’t stop stealing things.” He replied, “take these pills for a week. If that doesn’t work, I’ll have a 42″ Plasma TV.”

‘ I’m feeling very suicidal,what should I do? ‘ the man said to his Psychiatrist. ‘ Pay your bill before you leave, ‘ replied the Psychiatrist.

I remember the first time i ever tried my hand at stand up comedy. The curtains went back the lights came on , and on i walked…. for about two steps and then i fell through the floor. Quick as a flash , and still holding the Microphone i looked up at the stunned audience […]

I don’t know why there’s so much controversy here in Britain about having armed police patrolling the streets. Frankly, the first time I see a policeman with no arms is the time I’ll really start to worry…

Annual psychics convention: You know when and where!

Cops recently took photos of each other sitting on the Queen’s throne whilst on duty at Buckingham Palace. It’s lucky the Queen didn’t catch them. As she’d have got a slap in the face and a baton to the legs.

The average police woman’s uniform costs around 250. But Ann Summers’ shops do a wipe-clean one for under twenty. So plod could save money and improve public relations in one stroke. I may even have a stroke or two myself.

I see that ‘Dr Death’ has been jailed for killing 3 patients in Australia. What mystifies me is why anyone would go to a surgeon named Dr Death. Surely the clue is in the name.