Category: professions

Tasers. Helping fat cops catch criminals since 2003.

A stunning blonde went to see her GP. “Miss Tracy Johnson, how can I help you?” asked the doctor. “It’s my memory doctor, I can’t remember a thing five minutes after I’ve done it,” said Tracy. “Just take off all your clothes and lie down,” said the doctor.

American Gang mentality: Shoot first, ask questions later…. American Cop mentality: Shoot first, and if anyone asks any questions shoot them as well.

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he’s 6 foot 2 inches tall, has blonde wavy hair and a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbour to verify this report and the […]

Don’t bother putting those handcuffs on me, officer; they don’t fit. Me and your wife have already established that.

My brother thinks he is a tree, his problems are obviously deeply rooted.

I went to the doctor for a check -up. He said, “The best advice I can give you is to give up smoking and drinking, lose weight and get more exercise.” I said, “What’s the next-best advice?”

The best advice I was ever given to me was by my mum: avoid people who give you drugs. I haven’t seen a doctor in years!

A man goes to see the Doctor and says, “Doc, I feel as lifeless as a Welsh resort in winter.” The doctor replies, “Goodness me, it sounds like you’re Rhyl.”

The subtle difference between drink-driving and driving stoned is that when you drive stoned, every car on the road is a police car..

Visibility wasn’t good the other day, and I got pulled over by a traffic cop whilst doing 70mph. He asked, “What would you do if Mr. Fog came down suddenly?” “I would put Mr. Foot on Mr. Brake,” I sarcastically replied. “Let me start again,” he sighed, “What would you do if mist or fog […]

Just took my pork pie back to the butchers after finding a curved penny in it. It’s not the first time a bent copper has been found in Melton Mowbray.

A friend of mine who’s a bit of a nut, has joined the army as an officer. He said he wants to become a full kernel.

First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door. Funny sense of humour my plumber has.

I got pulled by a traffic cop last night. It was either that or get done for speeding.