Category: professions

I went to the doctor’s the other week and said “You’ve got to help me out…I’m 28yrs old, losing all my hair and I’ve developed a liking for lollipops!” He said “Sounds like you’re suffering from premature kojakulation.”

So the police have revealed 200 photos of suspected rioters they want to question with regards to the August riots. They could have used better photos, they all look a bit dark to me!!

BBC News: Should the police now have arms? I think it would generally help for driving the cars, holding the nightstick, lifting man-hole covers for storm drains, etc

Police knocked at my door last night and said, ” Sorry for troubling you sir, but can we have a quick word?” I said, “Velocity?”

I got arrested the other day, the copper told me to get in the back of the van when I got in, there was a box of flakes and a Mr Whippy machine he said – “Not that van!!”

I just lost my job as a doctor. This incredibly attractive girl had come in and said, “I’m not feeling myself”. Apparently, “mind if I have a go then?” is not an appropriate answer.

What’s the difference between a Lehman’s banker and a pigeon? A pigeon can still leave a deposit on a Ferrari.

Today, I saw a policeman pull a car over. The guy driving it was wearing a neon orange jumpsuit. I never knew the fashion police were real.

Just broke a mirror in the doctors surgery. He said jovially, “7 years bad luck!” then sat me down & told me I had 3 months to live.

My mates always say to me “You have the best job ever. I cant believe you actually get paid to photograph naked women.” “Well, doing post-mortems does have its perks.”

Jury blames police for doing nothing to prevent the suicide of Fiona and Francecca Pilkington. What’s the betting that those jurors get their homes ransacked by the drugs squad tomorrow?

What do you call an African accountant? Blackadder

A fat middle-aged woman and her beautiful 18 year-old daughter enter the doctor’s surgery. The doctor says to the daughter, “Okay, get undressed.” The woman says, “Oi, it’s me that’s come to see you!” Doctor, “Alright, stick your tongue out and say ahh.”

“Can you help me, doctor?” asks the patient. “Hmm,” says the doctor. “I think I’ll prescribe a course of peat treatment at a health farm.” “Will that cure me?” “Probably not, but it’ll help you get used to damp earth.”

I went to see the doctor yesterday because I have a compulsion to recite pi to 874 digits. He said I’m being irrational.