Category: professions

You know when you’ve left a lasting impression on a woman when the Police can take your fingerprints from the bruises on her neck….

I used to be a spy until someone came at me with a hairdryer while I was in bed. They blew my cover.

I’ve failed my electricians practical exam over a dozen times. I’ll do it in the end though, just got to keep plugging away.

I went to the doctors because my hair keeps falling out, I asked him: “What do I do? Do you have anything to keep it in?” He handed me a cardboard box.

The three most heart-warming words somebody can say to you: Lack of evidence.

BBC News: “Police engage in manhunt after hearing about killing spree.” They shouldn’t really be playing games at a time like this.

I’m a gynaecologist. Or as I prefer to say – I work in Customer Cervixes.

I see you’ve tried to commit suicide 5 times, Your dad was right… you are useless

The Iranian leader has left on a tour of friendly countries. He’s expected home tomorrow.

Egyptians go to the poles today, and I hope they nick their jobs.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands, Police say that he topped himself.

I’ve just developed a condition where I shout and swear at anything that looks remotely oriental. Doctors are calling it Tibettes

A big fat woman goes to the gynaecologist for the first time. The gynaecologist explains how she has to get up on the stool and place her legs in the stirrups. With great effort, the big fat woman climbs onto the stool and spreads her legs. The gynaecologist turns round and takes a good look. […]

“Doctor, doctor, I’ve got problems with my hearing.” “What are the symptoms?” “They’re those yellow people on TV.”

Apparently, It’s illegal to impersonate a policeman. So why have we got PCSO’s?